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I wanted to keep a diary of this crazy moment in time where my little family has found themselves with nothing but each other and the home we have built together.
And so I find myself with my very own blog, just a collection of a few photos, my childrens antics and my musings. |
LOCKDOWN |
Tuesday 19th May
For the billionth night in a row the girls were up til almost 10pm last night. They generally stay in their room but they fight and bicker and cry amongst the playing meaning that Jamie and I are up and down the stairs quite a bit and even when we get to the point that we can no longer be bothered to deal with them we still have to listen to the noise. By the time they actually shut up and go to sleep we should be going to bed ourselves but it feels like our evening is only just starting. Arlo is often awake most of the evening too so all in all we’re pretty pissed off with the whole thing! So today I made the decision that we were all going out before I even got out of bed. I told Violet in no uncertain terms to get dressed otherwise I was taking her lego away. She got dressed. The strict bossy me obviously had an effect on her as she also did her school work before we went! Feeding, dressing and gathering belongings took a life time as we’re so out of practice but we eventually made it out of the door and headed off to Maiden Castle. We stopped on the way to drop a drawing off to some friends and it was lovely to have a catch up with them especially for the girls who were over the moon to see their friends. They did amazingly well at social distancing, they were closer than they should have been but there were not attempts at hugs or hand holding which there would often be. On we headed to Maiden Castle and it took exactly 3 minutes of walking for them to start asking when we were going home. I dragged them onwards and upwards and finally had them at the top where I eventually let them sit down for a drink and a snack. I told them all about how daddy had brought mummy to Maiden Castle to ask her to marry him. Violet asked “why did he want to marry you when you’re so rude to him?” I nearly pushed her off the bloody hill, cheeky little madam. I then spent the next hour pointing in various different directions claiming it was the way back to the car park whilst they wore themselves out running around and throwing tantrums because they were too tired to walk any more. We did 2 miles all told before heading home for a late lunch. Jamie put them to bed at 7 and Violet told him she was never leaving the house again. 9.30pm and both of the little monsters were still wide awake hollering and screeching. |
Saturday 16th May
Things have got proper negative around this blog so today I’m going to write about what I’m grateful for. |
Thursday 14th May
Today I am tired. I mean really, really tired in absolutely every sense of the word. I feel like my head is in a fog. I can feel the pressure around my forehead and temples. It’s probably from frowning all day long. By body is aching and I don’t want to heave myself around the house trying to keep it tidy and look after the kids. I’m tired of being worried. And, I’m gonna say it so brace yourself; I’m tired of my children. I don’t want to be with them in the same 4 walls 24/7. It’s been 7 weeks now. And it’s relentless. Between the 3 of them they often take up the entire 24 hours of the day with their needs. Arlo wakes several times a night for feeds. Violet is up late into the evening and doesn’t settle down. Iris is up in the night getting into our bed and then she wakes at the crack of dawn and literally demands attention immediately. I thank my lucky stars that the little monster is such a daddy’s girl and therefore it is usually Jamie having the duvet ripped off of him to shouts of “wake up! Its good morning time!” |
Sunday 10th May
This week has been a mix of feeling peaceful contentment and woeful inadequacy. When the schools were closed I was added to hundreds of different facebook groups with ideas on how to teach and entertain my children. I have mostly looked at these posts with my nose screwed up thinking “we’re not bloody doing that!” but amongst them have been some lovely ideas for crafts or activities which I have diligently saved to my phone. I have yet to complete a single one of these activities. I barely manage the most basic of household chores never mind an afternoons crafting and all the clearing up that goes with it. Violet has still resolutely refused to do any school work especially if it involves reading or writing. This weeks school plans were really laid back, learn about Captain Tom, make some VE day posters/invitations/food. We haven’t done any of it. I tried to talk to Violet about VE day and what it meant only for her to stare into the middle distance and then ask if she could watch Powerpuff Girls. I begrudge teaching her about how a 100-year-old war veteran is holding up the NHS. So essentially this week there has been no structured home schooling at all. We’ve sat and read together, we’ve done colouring, we’ve baked, we’ve played a lot in the garden but nothing that is identifiable as home learning. All of this whilst surrounded by the social media posts of other parents and their extraordinary efforts. Hence the inadequacy. However its been one of the most chilled out peaceful weeks since the start of lockdown. I’m beyond knowing what I’m supposed to do. There’s an awful lot of talk about how the most important thing is to maintain your child’s mental wellbeing but not a lot to back that up. Violet in particular is a real worry for us. She isn’t vocalising anything to us so we’re unable to discuss it with her at all much less offer her any kind of reassurance. She does however draw cartoon baddies all with “corona” in their names. She also refuses to get dressed. She doesn’t want to leave the house to take the dog for a walk or go for a bike ride. She won’t write cards or messages for her friends or family or even make a video message for a school friend. So what do I do for the best? Continue to battle her over school work? Let her sit in her nightie all day and watch TV as she wants to do? Continue to try and engage her in play with the rest of the family? As inadequate as I feel with regards to number bonds and phonics I think I’ll continue to leave it to one side and keep trying to connect with my children. |
Monday 4th May
Today has been an odd day. Violet yet again refused to do any school work, told me she wasn’t doing any reading or writing and promptly buggered off upstairs with Iris. She found some blank cards upstairs and brought them back down to hide under the table and write one out. Then she and Iris found some stencils and did some stencilling together. We put some music on and the girls had a little dance around and then sat down for lunch. During lunch Violet asked what wolves eat so I jumped on the opportunity and sat her at the computer with Google and told her to type it in. She didn’t hang around long to find out any more but its something. Then it was out to the kitchen to bake biscuits where they were in charge of measuring the ingredients. Once Jamie got home he was sorting some bits out to take up to the lock up out of our way and I jokingly suggested he could take the kids with him. He said he couldn’t do that and I promptly burst into tears. I think I was as shocked as he was. He quickly gathered the kids together and disappeared for an hour leaving me with the baby. It was as though the flood gates had opened. I felt like I couldn’t breathe and had a tight feeling of panic in my chest. It was exactly how I used to feel when I was really poorly. I opened up the doors to get some fresh air in and led myself down and did a 15 minute meditation. Then I got a colouring book out and did some colouring. I don’t really know how it happened. One minute I was fine and the next I really wasn’t. I feel ridiculous. All I have to do is stay home with my children. I have no great trauma to face, no stress to carry. I’m angry at myself for such a reaction. But I can’t shake it. |
Sunday 3rd May Today I feel like the walls are closing in on me. It’s a physical feeling, I can feel the weight on my shoulders, feel my head being pushed down. This is not helped by the fact that both Jamie and I are major hoarders. We collect belongings and appear to have an actual inability to dispose of anything. Prior to lockdown I was in the midst of a massive clear out. I have literally never got rid of a single item of the girls clothes. Every piece of clothing they have ever been bought or gifted or handed down to them is still in this house. 2 girls, 5 years, that’s a lot of clothes! There are lots of reasons for this. I always knew I wanted a big family. Even now I am only getting rid of things that I don’t care much for, the things I really like have been lovingly folded back into storage ready for another baby. Another reason is the PND. I simply couldn’t face actually dealing with the clothes. When we first moved into this house I was deep in the darkness of my worst days and any clothes that was outgrown was literally thrown in a heap in the spare room and the door was closed so that I didn’t have to see it. By the time Iris came along I had no choice but to do something about it as I needed the bedroom so I sorted it into huge vacuum bags and shoved it all in the loft. We had a so much clothes up there I’m surprised the ceiling didn’t come down! So when Arlo was born I began pulling it all down one bag at a time and sorting through it which has taken literally months because I have far too many children to deal with these days. And now that I really need all this crap out of my house the entire nation is on lockdown and I don’t know what I’m meant to do with it all!! This is just the tip of the iceberg too. So today I’ve been alternating between tidying and packing things away and taking a bit of time out in my room to just remember how to breathe a bit. |
Friday 1st May
I had some great plans for today, the girls and I were going to sit and learn about Beltane, we were going to paint egg boxes and make pretty flower wreaths with them to decorate our home, we would decorate the tree in the garden with flowers and ribbons and finally make a bonfire. I presented all of these ideas to Violet and asked her if it sounded like fun. I was answered with a hard “No.” So we didn’t. When Jamie got home I told him what I wanted to do and that I was going out with the dog to look for yellow flowers to put in the tree. He said to the girls, “Come on then, we need to get ready to decorate the garden and make a fire so that mummy can dance around it and sacrifice the dog.” Bloody idiot. It ended up being a really lovely evening, we had pre ordered some chips from the chip shop and then we went out and made our beautiful Beltane tree and sat around the fire while I wished the earth all the healing time she needed. |
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Thursday 30th April
We had a pretty chilled out day today. I asked Violet which bits of school work she wanted to do and she said none of it. I talked her into doing some phonics and tricked her into doing some maths by baking with her. The girls were in a pretty good mood today so it was a lovely peaceful morning. We also did our weekly Rocking Tots session which all 3 children joined in with this week. All of these online activities are great and I’m so grateful for things like video calling during this bizarre time but it has got me thinking a lot about my children and their relationships and how they are each responding differently to this. Violet really engaged with things conducted via screens to begin with but she quickly fell out of love with it. It only took a week for her to shrug her shoulders at her phonics videos and tell me “she can’t even hear me” when I suggested she join in. Whenever we get a video call from members of the family or friends she disappears. She has gone into shutdown mode. We get no questions from Violet, no real engagement in any activities, she just zones out into the TV or her tablet and regularly tells us she wants to be alone. Iris on the other hand is still thrilled with various online activities and video calls, happily takes my phone off all around the house to give whoever is calling a tour and chatters away while they are there. Then there’s Arlo. He appears to have become perfectly accustomed to conducting all of his relationships via screen. Its absolutely bizarre seeing the way he responds. I wonder what his response will be come the day he actually sees real people again! Especially if they then pick him up or if I was to leave him with them. All of my children have always been very social creatures and it makes me wonder what the long term effects of all of this will be. |
Wednesday 29th April
Its been nearly a week since I’ve written anything and there are 2 reasons for that. Firstly Jamie has been hogging the computer but the biggest reason is that I am flipping tired. Lockdown or no lockdown, 3 small children and a dog is hard work. Tonight is the first night in a week that I have sat down before 9pm. Most nights I’ve still been doing the washing up at 10pm. By the time we’ve dragged our way through school work, housework, entertaining a 5 year old, 3 year old and a baby, making 3 meals, doing 6 tonnes of washing, arguing over who gets to go out with the dog, nappy changes, breastfeeding all day long, bath time, bed time, arguments about who is sleeping where (the kids not me and Jamie!), bed swaps, more fall outs, I’m done. I’ve got nothing left to give. Jamie and I sit side by side on the sofa both thinking about the things we’d like to spend the evening doing like playing music (him), colouring (me), reading (also me), playing video games (him). But neither of us has the time or the energy by the time quietness falls. So we inevitably stare mindlessly at our phones or the TV before dragging ourselves upstairs to try and get an hours sleep before the baby wakes again. This feels like a massive negative whinge which is not really what I want it to be because believe me when I tell you how happy I am. My life is everything I wanted it to be, surrounded by children, love, chaos and laughter. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t sometimes need to zone out, to disappear off with the dog and wonder if I really need to go back again. To crave alone time. To be desperate for rest, for peace and quiet. I have practiced yoga since Violet was a baby. The yoga sutras speak of finding your true self. Today this is my true self. |
Thursday 23rd April
Today I called it quits. I am sick of spending our days at loggerheads. It was a beautiful sunny day so I switched off the TV, hid the remote and booted the girls outside. We only get sun in the garden until lunch time and we usually miss it because I’m trying to make Violet do her work first, well not today! Violets topic at the moment is past and present so one of the suggestions was to write about a memory. The girls are both really into playing postmen at the moment so I cut up some paper into postcards and suggested drawing a picture of the memory and then writing on the back of it. I even did my own so that Violet could see what I meant. She decided however to draw a red swimming pool that was really really hot. She has definitely never been to a red swimming pool! She maintained that yes she had and when I asked her who had been there with her she said “Iris and Arlo and Daddy. Oh and Mummy was there to hold Arlo.” I just went with it and asked her to write about her swimming pool on the back. The answer was no. Point blank, I’m not arguing about it, capital N, No. Fine. So I went and got The Wishing Chair by Enid Blyton and read them a chapter. Iris couldn’t have been less interested but Violet really enjoyed it. Enid Blyton was my absolute favourite as a child. After that the girls set about with spades to dig for crocodiles. Apparently there are dirt crocodiles that live in our garden under ground. They found a girl one and a boy one. This afternoon Violet said she wanted to see her Nanny. My mum has been in isolation for 6 weeks and the girls have been over to see her once during this time. They played in her garden while she watched from the window. I told her I would take her over and then she changed her mind but by this point Iris was desperate to go so off we went. We got there and Iris said hello and then promptly buggered off around the garden. I said “I thought you wanted to see Nanny?” to which she answered “I did” and wandered off. |
Tuesday 21st April
Another hopeful start to the day shattered within minutes of trying to do any actual schoolwork. Within 5 minutes of sitting down together Violet was shouting at me about how boring it was and that there was way too much writing and I was telling her that was absolutely fine and she could just go ahead and be illiterate. Meanwhile Iris danced into the room with a jam jar full of sequins and showered them all over the carpet. Pretty sure from my absolute bellow at them even the neighbours were ready to pick up sequins and do some writing. Meanwhile I was back upstairs taking deep breaths and fighting the urge to walk out the door and never come back. Thankfully after a rocky start Violet decided she did want to do some work. One of her activities was to look at pictures of herself and put them in date order. She did really well at this and really enjoyed looking at the pictures and sticking them down and talking about different things that had happened. After that we put some music on to have a tidy up before lunch which obviously ended up in a fight between the girls, this time because Iris wasn’t dancing the way that Violet wanted her to. In the end Violet ended up in the kitchen eating her lunch telling me that she needed to stay out there in case she hurt Iris again as if she had absolutely no conscious input in the situation. Once Jamie got home we should have done more work but none of us were into it so the girls and Jamie disappeared upstairs to play and I did some yoga in the front room. Didn’t take long for 2 girls to be doing roly polys through my legs while I tried to maintain my balance. |
Monday 20th April
I had great plans for todays return to home schooling after the holidays. Violet has gone on and on about how she wants a “Kiki Day” – one of her favourite films at the moment is Kiki’s Delivery Service, if you haven’t seen it I can recommend, its on Netflix. Jamie found a great website that provides discussion topics and work ideas based on children’s films – www.intofilm.org. So I printed out some colouring pages of Kiki and left them on the table with a sign that said “Happy Kiki Day Violet and Iris”. I was so excited for them to get up and find it but instead Violet got up and threw a tantrum because Kiki Day should be only for her and not for Iris. She had ripped Iris’ name off of the sign I made and was sulking on the sofa watching cartoons. We then proceeded to spend the entire morning locking horns. None of my discussions, drawings or writing happened. Every conversation I tried to start was quickly shut down with a shrug and an “I don’t know”. She ended up telling me “I’m not going to say another thing to you”. She decided in the end that she wanted to make a potion and finally thank god picked up a pen to make a list of ingredients. Obviously this was followed by a melt down when I asked her to make her potion in the garden. Iris in the mean time has really upped her game with intensity. She has always been a handful and is now a whirlwind of insanity. Not to mention the fact that both girls immediately start to wrestle over Arlo the moment I turn my back. There were a lot of deep breaths, lots of shouting and way too much swearing in the Parker house today. |
Saturday 18th April
Today I did a baby massage session via Zoom and it was really enjoyable, I immediately booked on to 2 more sessions! Arlo thoroughly enjoyed it and being able to shut myself into my bedroom for an hour away just him and I did me the world of good. During the afternoon Violet went off to cook dinner with Jamie and I sat down with Iris to watch a film together. She chose the Dark Crystal and spent the first 20 minutes asking “where is his cow?” and telling me “he’ll get his cow in a minute” before getting bored with the film and wandering off. I have no idea at all what planet that child is on but I would say cows are a very important feature there. |
Friday 17th April
Today was a tough day. I was very strung out with the girls. We haven’t been out of the house a lot because its so difficult stopping the girls from touching everything or running up to people. Iris especially just doesn’t understand and although Violet knows she isn’t to go near to people she is terrible for touching things, lamp posts, benches, fences all get hands run along them. For this reason I would much prefer to keep them home and generally I feel ok being in the house especially as we have the garden to get out into but today I am pulling my hair out. The girls weren’t doing anything out of the ordinary and they weren’t being badly behaved but I was so short tempered. Violet just wanted to sit and watch TV and disappear off into her own little world, a coping mechanism she has inherited from Jamie. Iris however always needs to be busy busy busy. On this weeks shop I had picked up some ready roll pastry so I took her off to make some jam tarts. It was the first time I had made them and they were so easy! She was super proud of herself. When Jamie got home he took the girls out of the way so that I could have an hour to do some yoga and then he insisted I take the dog out and get out of the house for a bit and my goodness was he right. I was like a different person. |
Thursday 16th April
Today was wonderfully peaceful. Everyone is shattered which usually means lots of tears and arguments but today it seemed like nobody could be bothered with it! All three kids joined in with Rocking Tots again today and there was lots of excitement when Wob sang happy birthday to Iris. Shortly afterwards Iris fell asleep on the sofa, Arlo went upstairs for a nap and Violet sat up to the table to do some colouring. I can’t tell you how rare it is for all 3 children to align like that for an hours peace, in fact I don’t think it has ever happened! During that time I did 2 things that really affected me. First of all I read an article written by a survivor of Covid-19 who had been in Dorset County Hospital. He had actually been on a ward where 2 of my friends work before being transferred to ICU where another of my friends works. His account of what it had been like was not a pleasant read. The second thing was linked in that I watched a video of one of these friends singing a song she had written after the death of one of her patients from Covid-19. It was heart breaking. I feel cold at the thought of what some of my friends are witnessing and living through at the moment. I feel absolutely horrified. It sends a shiver down my spine to know that I am highly likely to watch my beautiful children suffer through this. It’s in my blood; my very heart to protect those babies and this feels like something I can’t prevent. I would lock us inside for the next year if I could. |
Wednesday 15th April
Iris’ birthday. The girls have had a great day, they’ve had chocolate for breakfast, hours jumping on a bouncy castle, a glittery rabbit hunt through the front garden courtesy of my best friend, presents, a walk, pizza, cake and lots of video calls, video messages, and a couple of little visits. The best moment of the day for me was during a pass the parcel. I made a tiny little pass the parcel for the girls to do together and put a little treat in each layer. Jamie and I joined in passing it round although neither of us opened a layer. Violet got the last layer and won the prize and as soon as it was unwrapped Iris looked from the prize straight to Jamie. She grabbed what was left of the chocolate fingers she had in one of the layers and ran around to give them to Jamie because he hadn’t won anything. My heart absolutely exploded. Iris has gone to bed happy and cheerful and is sound asleep curled up with her sister. |
Tuesday 14th April
Today I feel utterly overwhelmed. Its all too much. Too much housework, too much school work, too much chaos. To be honest this is a regular feeling of mine and is unrelated to being in lockdown. Violet is again pissed off with the world today. She went and sat herself under the table declaring she just needed some time to herself. I lost the plot with the mounds of outgrown baby clothes and my own clothes which ranges from pre baby to maternity to nursing and back again so I bundled all of it into binbags and up into the loft where I don’t have to look at it any more or more to the point trip over it. The girls took about 300 hours to put to bed as usual tonight. Jamie pointed out that we could start bed time at 5pm and they’d still stay up til 9. I guess that they are not physically or mentally tired enough whilst we’re all home together. Once they did eventually settle Jamie and I set about getting things up together for the birthday girl in the morning. A couple of years ago in a mad moment of impulse I bought a massive inflatable “Jump-o-lene”. How perfect for a birthday under lockdown! So currently I have a huge inflatable filling the front room! I feel so sad for the poor girl, she was so excited to have a party especially as Violets birthday was only a few weeks ago. And it is this sadness that sees me sat next to a mini bouncy castle wrapping a pass the parcel for 2. |
Saturday 11th April
Easter Saturday. Iris was born on Easter Saturday so I always feel like this day is mine somehow even though its not her birthday. Today was a vast improvement on yesterday. We all found our peace a bit and rubbed along quite nicely together. Iris has spent the day dressed as Belle dancing around the garden. Violet has spent the day going from colouring at the table to playing with Iris in the garden and back to inside to watch some TV. Arlo has been a bit grumpy today but is more than happy as long as he doesn’t get put down! It’s made a really lovely change to have a long weekend off as a family and have absolutely no pressure to be anywhere or do anything. Its such a rare occurrence for us. I had a joke with Jamie that we needed to be careful about setting the bar too high for Easter weekend as the girls will remember and next year I’ll be back to working all weekend and he’ll be back to gigging all weekend. But just for now what a special gift we have been given. |
Friday 10th April
Good Friday. Jamie and I are both on very thin tethers today. It’s been a stressful few weeks and I think we all know its not going to improve any time soon. Jamie went off to the supermarket again this morning in an attempt to get the things I couldn’t get a couple of days ago. He came home with a load of stuff that I had already bought on Thursday instead of just getting the things on the list which caused an argument. We all spent most of the day mooching about and not really doing or achieving anything which I think added to our grumpiness. Jamie really wanted to have a BBQ for tea and had bought food for us to have. Come 5 o’clock he went to light the BBQ and discovered it was out of gas. It was at this point he decided it would be a good idea to build a bonfire inside the BBQ. You can imagine how well this went. I would usually roll my eyes at his ridiculous antics but today I was in no mood at all and soon all of Fordington knew what a moron I thought he was. I made the decision to remove myself given how pissed off I was and getting more annoyed by the minute as he shrugged at me and told me to stop overreacting. I took myself upstairs to find a bit of solitude and calm. I did not find that calm. Instead I sat upstairs and listened whilst he disappeared out the front door to cut some rosemary to put in his stupid bonfire as if he was Jamie sodding Oliver leaving all 3 of our children alone in the back garden with said fire. He shut the dog in the kitchen whilst he did this and returned to find her eating the pack of mince he had left on the worktop. Cue more screaming and shouting at the dog. The girls arrived upstairs shortly afterwards where Violet decided to run herself a bath as she had dirty feet and Iris gleefully joined in. Meanwhile Arlo was crying in the travel cot in the garden whilst Jamie moved all of the food off of the quickly dying fire and took it in to put it in the oven. I won’t mention that this is what I told him to do in the first place. I sat there upstairs having a battle of wills, knowing full well that I had overreacted and that he really needed a hand but also so wound up with him that I was quite happy to hear him struggling. Somehow he did manage to pull a dinner together and I came and joined them all to eat. He looked so sad at his failed BBQ I quickly gave in and stopped being such a bitch to him. We teamed up to clear up and battle the girls into bed and then sat down with a rum and had a bit of a giggle about what had happened. |
Thursday 9th April
Today the girls had haribo for breakfast. I came down stairs maybe 15 minutes after Jamie had left for work to hear Violet say, “quick, someone’s coming” and lots of rustling while they tried to shove the packet back in the drawer they had found it in. It was so funny I just shrugged at them and went and got them some cereal to wash it down with. We then had another Rocking Tots session via facebook live streaming which Iris rushed off to get a dress on for. She then insisted the living room floor was cleared so that she had a good dance space and proceeded to refuse Violet entry to the living room because she wasn’t dressed! After this we made Easter biscuits together, something that my mum used to do with us every year when we were children. I even have her old Tupperware biscuit cutters, the same ones I would have used nearly 30 years ago. Once they were cooked and cooled I got the girls up together and we scooted over to mums to deliver her a little box full. Mum is in full quarantine and has been for several weeks now so the girls haven’t seen her for a long time. They were thrilled to be at her house even though she had to stay inside and talk to them through the window. I was worried this would upset them but as always they took the whole thing in their stride and had a whale of a time playing in her garden while she watched on. I absolutely glowed with pride the entire way home. |
Wednesday 8th April
Baby Sensory today, still the highlight of the week even via computer screen! This week I was extra organised and made sure that I had items ready for all 3 children so that the girls didn’t start causing mayhem in the middle of it. Obviously because I was ready for them they both decided to bugger off and find something else to do instead! Violet wasn’t interested at all and disappeared upstairs with her tablet and Iris followed not long after the Hello song. It was lovely to have some one to one time with Arlo and he is really enjoying Sensory. Once we were finished I went to see what the girls wanted for lunch to find Iris in the bathroom setting up a little imaginary home and Violet tucked in my bed watching Netflix!! After lunch Violet went back to Netflix and Iris came and made some flapjack with me which as a family we have eaten the entire of in just a few hours. Once Jamie was home I checked out of the family for an hour or so and went and sat in the garden on my own with some food magazines. The fresh air and bird song was exactly what I needed. It didn’t take long for the rest of the family to come tumbling out to join me and soon the girls were whizzing around on bikes while Jamie chopped down more of the garden and Arlo had a feed. The kids all had dinner in the garden and Jamie and I made a shopping list that will hopefully last us a good 10 days. Once everyone was in bed I headed to Tesco which was pretty much deserted. I can’t believe that some items are still so hard to get hold of! Again there was no bread, eggs, pasta, rice or flour. The veg aisle was fairly sparse and the meat aisle even more so. Thankfully I got more than enough to see us through until after the weekend at which point we’ll need to go to the shop again for more milk anyway. It still seems so surreal. I feel like in time we’ll be looking back on this thinking did that really happen?! |
Tuesday 7th April
The girls have spent another morning finding their own entertainment while I try to dig my house out from under the rubble of having 3 children inside it 24/7 for the last 2.5 weeks. I’m loving watching and listening to Iris play at the moment, she is changing loads in the last few weeks. She seems to have found her own little direction and independence when playing. When Violet started school Iris spent a lot of time aimlessly floating about not really wanting to do anything just waiting for Violet to get home each day. Now she knows exactly what she wants to do and there’s a lot more imagination and chatter coming into her play. She’s really in to den building or pretending that little corners or the landings are her little house. Violet loves getting involved in this too. When Violet was this age she was much the same but she would be more likely to make an aeroplane or a boat or a bus. I have very vivid memories of playing the same kind of games when I was little, sitting in my cabin bed and pretending it was a boat and I was escaping off to some far away land, pretending that my bedroom was Enid Blyton’s Faraway Tree or spending hours in my grandparents front porch playing houses. Violet wanted to do painting today so I told her that she had to wait for daddy to get home – there’s no way I could cope with the pair of them flinging paint everywhere in my current frame of mind! Iris painted a picture of a tunnel and Violet did a wolf eating a biscuit as wolves are so well known for doing. |
Monday 6th April
What a relief to not have school work to worry about today. We started today with some play dough after breakfast to get Iris’ thumbs working. We are still waiting to find out what the situation is for her regarding physio but a friend recommended play dough as a good way to get it moving. I bloody hate play dough. It gets everywhere and especially trodden into carpets which is not good when you rent! The rest of the day I left the girls to their own devices. There is always so much pressure to keep your kids permanently and incessantly entertained and learning and active. I don’t buy into it at all to be honest. When left alone they find their imagination and their creativity. I am lucky that my children are independent and happy in their own company but then Jamie and I are both like that too so its no real surprise. Speaking of Jamie, as of today he is seeking alternative accommodation to see out the rest of the lockdown for himself and one guitar amp following an eBay misdemeanour. |
Sunday 5th April
Today was such a lovely day. Everybody was in a good mood, we all happily rubbed along all day together. Jamie finished a lot of the gardening he’s been doing so was feeling really pleased with himself. I finally packed away about 6 loads of washing meaning our house suddenly seemed a lot bigger! I gave the kitchen a good scrub this morning and theres nothing better than a clean clean kitchen. The girls played together in their bedroom and then out in the garden for most of the day with no real fall outs which is a miracle! Jamie cooked us a lovely roast dinner and then all 3 children had a bath together before bed. Nothing much else to report, just a lovely chilled out Sunday. |
Saturday 4th April
Today I woke up and really wanted to see some people. I left Jamie in bed and got up with the girls and the poor things had to suffer another batch of my pancakes! I did make proper pancakes this time but noses were turned up. Thank god I’ve got Arlo, he’s too small to complain! Violet has definitely had enough today. She wants time alone and is struggling to find it. This afternoon we curled up in bed together to try and have a bit of time out but Iris gatecrashed. This caused an argument followed by tears and soon enough they were jumping all over the bed which obviously made me lose it and send them both away. Poor Violet was absolutely gutted and went downstairs and told Jamie she just wanted to have some time with mummy. This then led to an elaborate plan where Jamie would get Iris into bed and I would take Violet out to walk the dog. Violet was so excited about this. Last time we went for a walk she leapt out of the way in fear every time a person walked towards us. I don’t want her carrying that sort of worry with her so I was pleased to get her out and about again to try and settle that fear. We had a lovely walk around the river and I tried to chat to her a bit about her worries and her expectations for the rest of the year. I tried to gently explain that the lockdown would probably go on for quite a bit longer. She didn’t seem particularly fussed to be honest and as 5 year olds do she was just happy to be in the moment and enjoy the evening air. We got home to be greeted by a betrayed Iris who had flat refused to settle in bed, demanded of Jamie to know where we were, had checked the front door several times for us and was now sat on the sofa impatiently awaiting our return. |
Friday 3rd April
Today was a bit of a non event. I didn’t achieve any schooling, I didn’t really get any housework done so we’re still living in a slum. I tried making some Slimming World pancakes for us all for breakfast and they were absolutely disgusting. The girls asked me if daddy could make their pancakes tomorrow poor little things stuck with mummy’s dreadful cooking! They did however play beautifully together all day. At one point they came down the stairs both wearing Violets school cardigans which definitely made me cry. My mind has very much been on work today and how I can make my return work with no available childcare. The thought of leaving my baby day after day when he is so small makes my heart ache. I also feel a real sense of loss for not being with my girls at this unique time, for not being the one to hide out with them at home together. Once Jamie got home we decided on pizza again for tea and sat down together for a giant feast. At the moment these family dinners where we all sit together to the table and eat good food and laugh with each other are the best bit of the day. |
Thursday 2nd April
Today started with Violet and Iris flinging their breakfast at each other like monkeys in a zoo. I’m not sure what started the fight but it ended with Iris having Weetabix in her hair and dripping down her face after Violet chucked a big spoonful of it at her. I’ve lost the energy to do anything other than laugh at it! I sent them off with a clipboard each to make a register with and play schools. Violet in particular absolutely loved this and even sat down and wrote out a plan for her day as teacher. Mid morning we sat down to watch a facebook live session of Rocking Tots. The girls went mad for it, it’s the first time I’ve seen them respond that way to anything I’ve shown them. Iris even went and got her guitar to join in. When that finished they happily set about building a den out of the sofas and entertained themselves like this for a couple of hours. There was no way in the world that I was interrupting this lovely bit of peace to try and do school work so I got on and did some tidying as my house has now entered full on disaster zone. Those memes that talk about houses looking like you’re 3 days in to battling a poltergeist or losing a game of Jumanji could literally have been written about my home. Juggling 3 children with such different needs all day every day is taking its toll and mostly on the house which lets face it, was never exactly a show home in the first place. Once Jamie got in it was my turn to head out for a KIT day at work and a chat to see what going back early might look like. It feels such a contradictory thing at this time to start going to work again. It makes my heart heavy to think of being away from my baby while he is still so small but in the midst of a worldwide pandemic I need to do what I can to help. |
Wednesday 1st April
Today started much better. Last night I set out some Easter egg drawings on the table for the girls to find in the morning so they were really pleased when they found them this morning, especially Violet as she has been desperate to do an Easter egg hunt but didn't have anything to hide. Little does she know that we have eggs in the cupboard ready to do her egg hunt properly next week. This kept them busy for long enough that I was able to make banana pancakes for them all for breakfast. I am not a good cook and I usually hate being in the kitchen but I absolutely love cooking for a baby - maybe because they can't tell me how terrible it is! However despite the pancakes looking absolutely appalling all 3 childre virtually inhaled them so definitely a sucess. We then had our first proper Baby Sensory class via Zoom. Lets just say thank goodness the participants get muted during the actual class as no one needed to hear me hissing and eventually shouting at the girls to "PACK IT IN!!!" as they fought over puppets, jumped on top of poor Arlo, broke one of the props and nearly sent the laptop flying. By the time Jamie arrived home I virtually ran up the stairs to go and do some housework away from the children! Who would have thought I'd be so grateful to pack washing away. |
Tuesday 31st March
Today started in a very sad way. Violet had a complete meltdown because Jamie was going to work, a melt down the likes of which I dont think I've seen from her before. She shut herself in the bathroom for 20 minutes and screamed like she was on fire. She wouldn't let any of us in. Iris and I tucked back into bed for a cuddle as it was quite unnerving for her. Eventually all went quiet and a short while later Violet timidly appeared at the door. I asked if she wanted a cuddle and she nodded and immediately climbed into bed curling up into me. I asked if she wanted to talk to me about it and she said no. I said "You've got some very big feelings at the moment." and she nodded. So thats where we all stayed for the next couple of hours. Bollocks to school work. I think that she has a lot of fears that she isn't really voicing to us. I really struggle with this as I'm very forthcoming with my thoughts and feelings as anyone that knows me can confirm! Jamie on the other hand will keep his thoughts to himself and the more you push to find out the less likely he is to tell you. A couple of weeks ago Violet did ask Jamie if he was going to get Coronavirus at work. Maybe that is the root of the meltdown. Maybe she's just sick of being stuck at home with mummy! When we did finally get up after watching Frozen 2 for the millionth time we kept the school work very light. We did some springtime drawings and then played a little experiment with cups and water. It just proved the point to me that I do not make a natural teacher, within minutes I was taking deep breaths and trying not to swear!! We then headed outside to chalk some words on the path. I don't know how Violet does it but somehow she managed to write the words she had chosen not just backwards but upside down too! Do other 5 year olds do this? She very often writes backwards but this is the first time I've seen her do it upside down - its fascinating how a childs brain works. This evening I walked the dog down to a friends house to drop off a birthday present and it felt so good to be out. There weren't many people about and the air was just the right amount of cold to make you feel really refreshed. Once I got there we had a lovely chat from a distance on the doorstep. I'm really missing seeing my friends and especially when I'm missing their littles celebrating birthdays. It felt so unnatural to be stood half way up the path and not give a gorgeous boy a hug on his birthday. |
Monday 30th March
Well what a start to the week. I got downstairs this morning literally 10 minutes after Jamie had left to find that Iris had smashed a huge punnet of blueberries into the seat of my lovely sofa where the children are BANISHED from having food and always have been! Cue a major screaming fit from me after which I asked Iris, "why is mummy so cross?" and she answered "because you're shouting". I sorted out breakfast for all 3 of them (!) and sat down to see what plans had been added to the school website for the week. Last week we had a lovely A4 page of ideas for each subject - this week, 3 flipping pages!! I had mild heart failure and clicked print whilst doing some deep breaths. when I looked at it a bit closer it was a series of very simple ideas with long descriptions - thank god! I got the girls started on the first idea while I sat down and figured out the rest of the week which was write a letter or postcard for someone and send it to them. We have a friend who is due a baby in just over a week so I suggested they both write a card for their friend to tell her all about being a big sister. Violet promptly writes "You are going to be a big sister soon. I am a big sister too. I don't like it." Little shit. Next on the list is make an easter basket so I chucked a couple of mushroom tubs at the girls and some stickers and set them to work while I got on with feeding Arlo, doing the washing, making lunch. They were sat having their lunch when Jamie got back from work and said "You need to get ready, your doctors appointment is in 20 minutes!" We were heading off to have Iris' bandages taken off. I frowned at him and said "we are ready, shes just finishing lunch" only to realise neither of us were dressed!! Didn't take long for us to become full on slobs! The doctors was a horrible experience, the dressings were stuck to her wounds and caught in her stitches meaning there was lots of pain and lots of tears. I promised her "We'll go and get a cake" while she sobbed away only to realise that it definitely would not count as an essential journey to be taking a 2 year old to Waitrose to pick a cake for being so brave. Nonetheless I took her up there and as I came around the corner I was greeted by a police car who had pulled over another driver. Bloody brilliant, the only non essential journey I've made and the police were there waiting! I pulled into the car park without issue and queued up outside feeling like a criminal. We went in and chose some cake before hurrying back home. Jamie has spent the last 3 days promising the girls a bonfire in the garden so he stuffed the chimnea full of garden cuttings, drowned it in lighter fluid and near on set fire to the entire bloody garden. The girls toasted marshmallows virtually from their seats 10 foot away from the fire. We all went back in before we became incapacitated from smoke inhalation apart from Jamie who continued to shove more cuttings into the fire until I went back out and hissed at him about how much the neighbours will bloody hate us. We learned this afternoon that a good friends dad was seriously ill in ICU on a ventilator with Coronavirus. Up until this point all of this felt like an idea we were shielding from, now it feels so shockingly real. |
Sunday 29th March
Well I don't know if he's done something wrong or if he just loves me that much but Jamie not only left me in bed and got up with the girls but he also did the hoovering! I got woken up when my bedroom door burst open and Joni jumped up and curled up in bed - she is not a fan of the hoover bless her. We all sat down to bacon sandwiches for breakfast and then the girls pulled all of the books off the shelves in the living room to make a library and play rhyme time - super cute but seriously? After a little video chat with Grandma and Grandad (during which Violet told them she was doing "whatever I want to do") we all got ready to go out for a walk. Its the first time Violet has gone anywhere since the lockdown and she was not in the least bit enthusiastic about leaving the house so I bribed her with a spring time scavenger hunt, an idea I got from "The Wild Year Book". Iris was absolutely shattered and the walk we had planned was a long one so I got to do my first tandem carry which quite honestly made my heart sing. We headed off and the wind was bloody freezing so the walk was actually pretty miserable, made all the more miserable when both girls got into the river and one had leaky wellies and the other went in too deep meaning both were soon out of the river again crying about their cold wet feet. But we did managed to tick off most of our hunt and added some extras that we saw and we came home to a delicious roast made by Jamie. The girls sat down after to watch Captain Underpants and as is standard Iris soon got bored and decided to climb into the jumparoo and got stuck. This is such a regular and annoying occurence that Jamie and I both stayed rooted to the sofa and glared at her before realising she really was stuck at which point I obviously got up and took a photo. Before bed Violet wanted to make a video for her teacher which she started with the words "Hello, I love you." My heart just burst, bless her little heart. |
Saturday 28th March
Arlo's 6 month birthday!! How did this happen?! I have such mixed emotions today, I'm so excited to give him some foods and see how he reacts and watch him enjoy it but at the same time I don't want to sully my gorgeous baby!! He seems so pure and lovely and soon he's going to be permanently stained and dirty and doing actual proper poos and not baby poos!! The girls were so excited about the croissants - far more for themselves than for Arlo! He really enjoyed having a good old chomp on his croissant and we were all thrilled watching him get stuck in. After that Violet made it very clear that she intended to do exactly what she wanted for the day and that meant being completely anti social and staying glued to her tablet in the corner ignoring the rest of us. Jamie and Iris headed out to the garden where they did lots more pruning. Jamie was busy chopping back one of the hedges and was keeping a close eye on a nest around the other side of the hedge when all of a sudden he lopped a branch off revealing a blackbird sat on a nest full of chicks! Luckily the blackbird in question is incredibly tame and can often be found in our garden digging for worms and bathing in the kids paddling pool. He initially flew away as I suppose most people would if they were so rudely revealed. This gave us an amzing glimpse of the tiny babies all snuggled in together. Daddy bird soon reappeared and started ferreting about for worms again and spent the rest of the day happily hopping back and forth from the flower beds to the nest. Jamie then turned the lid of the girls sandpit into a herb garden to live outside their playhouse. There seems very little point in keeping the sand since both girls refuse to play in it because of bugs! This way they've got themselves a lovely sensory garden and as Iris loves to cook so much she'll really enjoy being able to pick and taste her herbs. This afternoon I braved Lidl as we are out of fresh fruit and veg. My god I wish I hadn't! Apparently only 5% of the other shoppers had any interest in maintaining a 2 meter distance and 1 shopper was even coughing all the way around - bad time to be coughing in public!! I was so desperate to get out of the house and go and do something a bit normal and yet the minute I got there I had an overwhelming urge to rush back home to safety again. |
Friday 27th March
Another day of refusal to do any school work from Violet. By the time I got downstairs this morning she was already half way through the Wizard of Oz and definitely very much glued to the sofa. (Like father like daughter!!) I just about convinced her to draw some pictures but she clearly didn't want to and I wasn't going to push it. She did however draw a picture for Nanny and wrote the address on the envelope. Iris meanwhile made herself a huge circle of cushions on the living room floor and was merrily jumping from cushion to cushion like a little obstacle course. It didn't take long for Violet to join in and obviously a fight ensued shortly after!! We then tuned into Chester Zoo as they did live broadcasts from some of their animal enclosures which the girls enjoyed especially the butterflies. This afternoon Violet charmingly told me that she didn't want to do her school work because it was booooring. I guess I need a bit more variety next week then! Grandma popped down to wave at us from the end of the garden which cheered the girls right up. It's so nice to see people even under such unusual circumstances. Following on from my ball bath yesterday Sophie also popped over for a couple of bags of balls to take on seeing as I had 3 binbags full!! Goes to show how addled I was after having Violet!! I then headed over to mums to collect a very special food parcel - some frozen croissants! A couple of weeks ago we had a conversation with the girls about Arlo being able to have food soon and Jamie asked what they would like to give him for his first meal. The answer was croissants. Luckily I spotted a pack of frozen croissants in Aldi when I was shopping with my mum 2 weeks ago and asked if I could pop them in her freezer and thank goodness I did after the events of the last 10 days! I can't quite believe that my baby is already 6 months old. This evening we had takeaway pizza to round the week off. Iris got over excited and ran to open the door much to the horror of the poor delivery man. How do you explain these things to a super confident, super social almost 3 year old?? Speaking of which, I've tried to explain to Iris a couple of times now that she won't be able to see anyone on her birthday which she is completely failing to understand. It makes my chest heavy to think of her birthday. All she talks about is having a pizza party and the friends she wants to share her pizza with. But for now it was lovely to have a care free half an hour as we all reached for more pizza from the box and laughed together. And the relief of no more schooling for a couple of days was palpable. |
Thursday 26th March
Well Violet definitely got out of the wrong side of the bed today! She was in no mood for our company and was definitely not participating in any form of school. I'm certainly in no mood to fight with her over it and she's done so well the rest of the week that I just left her to it. She curled up in the corner of the sofa glued to the cbeebies app on her tablet. Iris and I went and sat in the garden together with a cup of tea and watched the birds. We've got a very friendly blackbird that often potters around the garden and we watched a little sparrow hopping about the bushes. A bit later in the morning Iris had a go at an online dance class but it was aimed a bit older than her and she struggled to keep up bless her. Violet carried on sitting in the corner of the sofa watching something on her tablet obviously keeping the screen pressed tightly to her nose so that Iris couldn't possibly ruin the moment by watching it too. I finally peeled her away from it and we had some lunch sat in the front garden in the sun and then headed into the back garden to plant some sunflowers. This is something I've been meaning to do since Violet was a toddler and have just never got round to but now we have several little pots of sunflowers and 2 big pots with "bee bombs" planted in them. The girls are so excited to see them grow. While we were out there were 4 huge helicopters that flew overhead. It was such a sight at such a bizarre feeling time it almost seemed like we were at war. We came back indoors as it was really quite cold and I set up Violet's Read Write Inc video for the day. Her teachers have been sending a link each day for the right level for each child. So far Violet has really enjoyed this and has been really responsive to them but today she rolled her eyes and when i suggested she join in she told me "she can't even hear me". When Jamie got home he went straight out and got stuck into some gardening clearing huge sections and putting together a play house for the girls. I went inside and filled the bath with ball pit balls that have been out in the garage and scrubbed them with Zoflora ready for Arlo to play with. Again I felt happy. Amongst the fear and the worry and the unknown I had this irreplacable gift of time with my family. At 8pm this evening I was on an online Slimming World meeting when Jamie ran into the front room. The entire street had absolutely erupted with clapping and cheering for the NHS. When I had first heard about it I have to say I didn't really get it and thought it a tad pointless. I completely take it back. It was immense. The emotion of the moment was just incredible. |
Wednesday 25th March
As is common for me I struggled to get out of bed today. One of the biggest symptoms I have with my depression is lethargy. Its a real catch 22 as the more I do the better I feel but I can rarely get myself going. Last night I actually got ahead of the game a little bit by printing out some colouring pages and leaving them on the table so when I did actually go downstairs the girls were sat as good as gold doing their colouring. Unfortunately Violet was singing Lizzo at the top of her voice. Hopefully the neighbours couldn't hear her yelling "wooo child, tired of the bullshit"!! We had some breakfast together and then did a bit of Cosmic Kids yoga which is a firm favourite in our house. After that Violet sat to the table and did a little writing activity and Iris and Arlo sat in the box bus. We were all pretty excited as we were having our first Baby Sensory class via Zoom - something I even got dressed for!! I was so surprised at Arlos response to the screen and to seeing Jayne again, he had a huge grin throughout the class. Before making lunch I gathered up lots of Violets teddies and a few props and Violet used them to act out Jack and the Beanstalk for Arlo and Iris. Iris took great pride in looking after the cow throughout the performance. In the afternoon we set up a table and chairs at the front of the house and sat out in the sun to do some reading before the girls took their bikes over to a nice bit of space we have in the middle of a garage block. I felt like a 50's housewife stood on the doorstep with a baby on my hip watching my kids playing in the street. When Jamie came home from work Iris and I took Joni out for a walk down the river. It was so lovely to be out and about but at the same time I felt like I just wanted to run home again. Everybody we came across was really good about keeping their distance which was great. Jamie cooked a delicious curry for us all and then we all sat down and watched The Wizard of Oz. The girls were absolutely gripped! I felt a real contentment by the end of the day. What an amazing opportunity we have here to slow down and just be with each other. How wonderful to be able to spend time in our home together making it the way we want it to be. |
Tuesday 24th March
Let me start by saying I am so glad for the sunshine today. The girls were up first thing and rather than waking us up they decided to merrily pop downstairs on their own and eat all of the yoghurts. Not to worry, its not like we can't just pop to the shop for more... After telling the girls that no they were not having more breakfast on top of the multi packs of yoghurts they had eaten we decided to have a go at the Joe Wicks PE class. The girls were not in the least bit impressed and by the time Joe had stopped wittering on and actually started the warm up the pair of them had buggered off and found something else to do. In the end we went out into the garden together so that I could hang the washing out and they could have some fresh air. All of the garden toys have been left out all winter because Jamie and I are just that useless and so they are all pretty dirty at the moment. The Little Tykes Cosy Coupe was so full of sludgy leaves and rain water that I had turned it upside down to try and drain out a bit before giving it a scrub. Iris took one look at it and immediately ran over to turn it up the right way and climb in. I told her to leave it alone and not to get in as it was very dirty and she needed to try and keep her bandages clean and dry and I was greeted with "but I want to" while she used her bandaged hands to wipe off the seat and get in. Needless to say all of my neighbours now know that "I want to" is not a valid reason to ignore mummy and do as we please. Holding my temper has never been my strong point! We came back in and read Jack and the Beanstalk again whilst being bombarded by Iris with more questions about the cow. Violet then did a lovely bit of writing about her own beanstalk. Later on Dad popped a couple of boxes round for me to start sorting through my hoardes of kids clothes and Iris saw her opportunity and made a run for it, straight onto her scooter, barefoot and still in her nightie and headed off around the close. So much for social distancing when my Dad has to run after the little terror and drag her back. During the afternoon the girls got the pens out and turned one of the boxes into a bus. This tied in nicely for a little maths lesson where they gathered lots of toys and counted their passengers onto the bus one by one, in pairs and then in 5's. When daddy got back we carried on with the bus for a music lesson where the girls grabbed some shakers and daddy played them The Wheels on the Bus. All in all the day felt fairly successful as far as schooling went and both girls went off to bed pretty happy, made all the more cute when I went upstairs to find them both tucked into the same bed giggling to each other and overheard Violet telling Iris "don't worry, I'll be home much more now." I spent a lot of the evening thinking about Arlo and the naming day we hoped to have for him. I feel really sad that he is not likely to have one this summer as we had hoped. My heart hurts for the things our children are missing out on during all of this. Iris will be celebrating a birthday with no friends and no family to see. Arlo won't be getting a naming day as a baby like the girls did although we will certainly do one when he's a bit older. Violet will likely never finish her first year of school. These are things I simply can't make better for them which is a hard thing to take as a parent. |
Monday 23rd March
Our first day of home schooling. |
Sunday 22nd March – Mothers Day |
I would love to hear your comments: jemma@tearawaytales.co.uk |
